An Open Letter To The Guy That Went Back To His Ex Before Me

 

You’re not the only one.

I want to make sure you’re aware of that.

You probably started this behavior in high school, maybe college if you came from a good family.  There were many other classmates, friends, teammates that did the same thing when it came to an ex-girlfriend.  Maybe the girl did them (or you) wrong.  Maybe the ex-girlfriend just couldn’t handle what you had to offer.  Maybe you were both too young and were at separate places in your life.

Really, it could be anything.  But eventually the relationship ended.  You broke up.  Things were over.  You had to tell your mom what happened to that sweet girl in a way mom could understand and believe.  Your friends noticed the difference; they had their buddy back.  You could go out to the bar to watch the game and not have to check in or – God forbid – bring her along while she asked if there was a gluten free beer on special to go with the wings with the sauce that had the least calories possible.  Things were looking good.

Eventually, you even moved on.  You caught the eye of another woman, or maybe she caught yours.  After some conversation over drinks, you realized that there was life after your ex.  There were nice, fun people out there.  This girl liked to do all the same things you did, but yet also challenged you and inspired you to try new things.  She made you comfortable, but yet also willing to get out of your comfort zone – all at the same time.

Your friends noticed how happy you had become.  This was a different kind of happy: not the happy you were when you had discovered your newly acquired freedom, but a happy you got by being with someone that was equally as happy.  You were so excited to introduce her to your friends.  You wanted her to be comfortable with your friends and vice versa.  Both were very important factors in your life.  You had to make sure that the two would be able to gel together.

It’s okay that you were selfish.  This was your time to find what is best for you.  Games weren’t in your artillery.  Slowly, she started to open up to you.  She wanted to be careful, because you were new to her.  She didn’t want to get hurt, but that wasn’t your intention in the first place.  You talked about your past and eventually, the girl before her came up.  Little did you know, your friends had already brought her up.  They had mentioned how much they liked this new girl over your last.  She was aware of what the last girl had did to you, but that was okay.  That was the past and had nothing to do with her.  Your friends liked her and laughed as they spoke of how much more fun and perfect for you she was than the last girl.  While comparisons were not necessary, it certainly made her feel welcomed, and as though there would be something there for the long haul.

When it was brought up, she tried to block out the past.  After all, it had nothing to do with her.  As long as it was in your past and this was your now, your future, things were good.  She continued to enjoy her time with you.  You and your friends made her happy.  Her friends were happy that she was happy, just like your friends were with you.

Things were going great.  There were rumblings of a future, including trips, concerts and more.  After spending days and evenings with you, she would return to her own home and wonder: “does he talk about me the way her talks about her? If something were to happen and this didn’t work out, will I be her?”  It hurt her to think this way.  She didn’t want to be so pessimistic, but the words you and your friends spoke of your ex made her wonder if that’s how you talked about all of your exes.  The anger everyone had toward her for what she did to you, to them, was inescapable.  The way they praised your freedom from her when it finally ended, was mesmerizing.  But she tried to ignore it, because it had nothing to do with her.  She was different in many ways, so it couldn’t possibly happen to her.

And then something did happen.  Suddenly, there was a chance that there wouldn’t be a future.  It was not the fault of either of you.  It was simply uncontrollable circumstances at their worst.  The best part was that you tried.  For once, she had someone that was willing to make sacrifices in hopes for the future to flourish.  Compromises were presented, weighed and eventually dismissed – none for lack of trying.

Ultimately, things were forced to end.  No one was particularly happy with the outcome.  Many asked why a compromise failed to occur.  Trips were planned, but eventually forgotten.  Texts were being sent and received less and less.  The worst part was that your friends would message her, saying she was missed.  They mentioned how sad you were, how distant you were.  Things were not the same.  They wanted her to come back, but she couldn’t.  It wouldn’t have been for the right reasons.  It was simply impossible, which made it so much more upsetting.

Her friends were worried about her as well.  She talked of you often.  Her hard outer shell showed resilience against being heartbroken.  She had never fully put her heart into what you had, but she was still upset.  What if there were other compromises that could have been explored?

Eventually, you both moved on.  You were both recovering, rediscovering what was out there.  Then, all of a sudden, the girl before came back.  At first, no one was happy.  No one but you.  Many thought that it was a rebound reaction.  By going back to something you knew, things would be easier to handle.  There was nothing new, nothing to be blindsided by.

Even though for months, you had spoken ill of your ex, you let her back in.  You had said horrible things about her to someone it had nothing to do with, but you let her back in.  You placed those words, words about another woman, in her head.  Suddenly, those same words weren’t so bad to you and the girl before was back in your life.  Suddenly, your friends were asking the second girl to come back because she was so much better for her than the ex you had gone back to.  They wanted her back, not the ex.  But it wasn’t their call; it was yours.

She’s not upset you’re not together.  She’s not upset you’re with someone else.

She’s upset that for months, the words that were so passionately spoken, unprompted, turned out to be lies.  For months, she thought you didn’t trust your ex.  By lying to her about your ex, did you not trust her the way she trusted you?  Why say awful things to her about someone you would let back into your life so easily?

Maybe you don’t hold grudges.  Maybe you believe in second, third even forth chances. Maybe you’re a better person than she is when it comes to that.  Maybe she tends to believe the way a person is upon the first meeting is their true self, rather than growing to learn how someone could be after some time.

Maybe your time with her meant very little.  Maybe it meant more to her than it did to you.  Maybe you’ll never read this.  But if you do, hopefully you’ll know that the next time you “move on” from her – because there will be a next time – you shouldn’t speak ill of her to the next girl.  Speaking ill of an ex doesn’t make the next girl feel better about replacing her in your life.  It makes her wonder if she’ll be the next one you speak ill of.  Or will there be even more after her?  It makes her wonder how you truly felt about her.  Did you ever truly mean the words you said when it was all ending?  The talk of visiting, of continuing a friendship – was it all just for show, so you looked like a decent person?

In the end, she wonders if you ever had your ex truly out of your mind – and of your heart – the whole time she was around.  While you were talking ill of your ex to your friends and to her, was it really because she had never left your mind?  That’s the impression you’ve put in her mind.

You wouldn’t let someone back in your life if she had truly hurt you (and your family and friends) the way you said she had.  Maybe this new girl was a test for you to see if you were truly over said ex.  Maybe she was your way to test the waters.  Maybe you got  scared of what she had to offer and went back to what you were comfortable with, even if it meant you weren’t happy.

I hope you know that the words you said about your ex stick with her, months after the relationship ended.  Those horrible things, even though they weren’t about her, showed that you can feel that way towards an ex, but turn around and run right back to her when things got scary.  She will never forget what you said about another woman.  It’s usually the first thing that she thinks of whenever you text her, or if something happens to pop up on social media:  That you hurt her all as a test.

It’s okay to go back to an ex.  You’re not the first guy to make that decision and you won’t be the last.  But you shouldn’t go back to an ex you felt so strongly – in a negative way – about that you would say such horrible things about her to someone you’ve opened up to.

She doesn’t want you back.  Not in a romantic way.  She misses the connection you had but that will never return.  Things randomly come up that remind her of you and she’ll smile, laugh and want to call or text you.  But she doesn’t, because you’ve moved on to someone she thought you never would let back in – and someone that has made it impossible for you to maintain any type of connection.  She misses the hopefulness she had when you said you would visit and wonders if that was even true.

She’ll move on, but in a much more mindful way than you have.  She’ll be guarded for a while. It will take time for her to open up and trust again.  But she’ll get through it.  She’ll be a better person because of what you put her through – intentionally or unintentionally. She’ll be a better girlfriend because of what she went through with you.  Maybe that will make her a better fiancée and eventually, a better wife.

Maybe you’re not sorry.  Maybe you have no idea any of this even happened.  Maybe you see your friends speaking ill of their exes all the time and to you, this is no different.  If that’s the case, I hope you are far less cruel in your next endeavors in your love life.  No girl deserves the way you treated her for something that had nothing to do with her.